you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
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For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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