OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have already put on my inside pants.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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