conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
it hurts more in the daytime
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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