names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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