I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
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The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize