They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
