I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
