I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
