im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
