so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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