I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
