I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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