Do you still have your period?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
