Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My bed smells like the plague
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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