Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
