Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
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Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
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It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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