Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We have started to decorate penises.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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