It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
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When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize