my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
