You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
