my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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