he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
