You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
