Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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