Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
