just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just gargled with NyQuil
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
