I wish you could order shots online.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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