I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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