I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
