You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
