I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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