i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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