I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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