Will you blow on my dice?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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