why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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