My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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