How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The air taste purple.
Randomize
