i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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