I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When did angry sex become our thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize