my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
