I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
