It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
