she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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