walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
