we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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