either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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