Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
