No more Irish car bombs ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
