i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
