saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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