That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
