She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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