I'm passing your future prison.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
