I wish I could punch you in the face.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
