walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize