No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize