Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
